The Impact of Return To Work Mandates on Relationships, Family, & Self-Care from the POV of a Relational Therapist, a Mother, a Bonus Mom, and a Fair Play Facilitator

Addressing the Work-Life Imbalance Crisis: Impacts on Our Families and Urgency for Immediate Change

** The American Work-Life Conundrum**

The American dream has morphed into a relentless work-life conundrum, leaving families in a perpetual state of imbalance. In the pursuit of survival or even "The American Dream," we’ve lost track of the ability to access what truly matters—our mental and physical health and family well-being, and simply feeling alive. As parents, the pressure to juggle outrageous work commitments with family emotional and domestic labor and responsibilities is overwhelming, leading to a societal epidemic of guilt-ridden, exhausted parents and at-risk children. Our children and future generations are the ones that will really hold the previous generation's trauma in addition to attending to their own mental health needs.

For context I am a married millennial mother and bonus- mother (my replacement word for "stepmother"). I am also a Marriage and Family Therapist and a Certified Fair Play Facilitator, A Certified Level 2 Gottman Method Couples Therapist, a Certified Clinical Trauma Professional, and a 7 Principles of Making Marriage work Facilitator. I treat couples, blended families, and individuals within these systems. My foundation lies in Psychodynamic and Humanistic Theory, Attachment Theory, and Family systems. I am currently training in EMDR.

Throughout graduate school, I worked at a Therapeutic Non-Profit Pre-School in Seattle called Childhaven, (I believe it has since closed down or been taken over by a different company), initially as a therapeutic substitute teacher, and then went on to create my own art therapy and marriage and family therapy program through internship. I was an unpaid graduate student working on Childhaven campus, and in-home with poverty stricken families and children. My clients ranged from 1 year of age - adults, as many of the families were of the foster system. Utilizing attachment theory in my work with children and parents, vastly informed my current practice in terms of how attachment spreads to every aspect of our lives. Our attachment to others is a mirror of our attachment to ourselves. A vast majority of the time, developmental and chronic relational trauma facilitates and amplifies more trauma through maladaptive coping mechanisms, and becomes generational trauma when unaddressed/ unhealed. If you don't believe me, look up a *genogram*, and fill yours in, and chart the interactions between generations of family members, and start to notice red jagged lines show up in patterns that tether from generation to generation. You'll see what I mean by generational trauma.

The population of Childhaven integrated family care for those court mandated to be there, and qualifying families stricken by addiction, poverty, and mental illness. The attachment theory came to life in being able to be a safe space for these children and families that have been overlooked by the system, forgotten by society, oppressed for generations, and living in conditions that were barely survivable. For many of the children, their therapeutic teacher and co-teachers were the only safe space and/or safe person or people they experienced ever in their lives, and same for the parents. I saw children who were still able to have joy and hope and grow towards security based on the secure attachments they had with these teachers, including myself. Securely attached children become confident and functional adults. They will generally find and perpetuate more securely attached friendships and partnerships. Insecurely attached children may go on to compensate for the lack of safety within themselves, coping with trauma by falling into addiction, and other maladaptive defense mechanisms. For these children, relationships and connection feels un-safe, and they become wired for defense and surviving, over thriving.

To tie it all together, I started my private practice this year, finally, having been underpaid and undervalued in the system for years. In previous jobs (addiction recovery treatment, eating disorder treatment centers, general mental health care, and as an Associate MFT for a group practice) I had been paid an hourly rate that was unlivable, as is the standard for AMFT's as they tirelessly work towards finishing their 3000 hours. When I started in group practice as a pregnant person, I was only absorbing 30% of every session I held for clients. I passed my LMFT exam in California, and freed myself from the beurocratic limitations of being an Associate MFT.

To set the scene and add context from my personal life; In 2020 as Covid first developed, I had to stop working in the Inpatient treatment center, (in-person) to protect my mother (whom my husband and I were living with at the time). She has an auto-immune disease, and at the time, my job would not let me work from home, and had to forcibly "let me go." I was torn between giving up work, and having a place to live before looking into buying a home. During Covid I took over care of my bonus daughter during visitation, as my husband still had to work (at first) in person, (my family and I had to separate and split the home in order to all live together to protect my mom), and then finally after much debate, his company was forced to let him work from home. We were also a couple that were supposed to get married on April 11, 2020 but... had to put that on hold until 2022. As a thirty something, having my life and career disrupted and now having my husband home and available, we embarked on getting pregnant. At the same time I was due, my husband was being called back into office, in person, still during the Covid Pandemic, 2021.

My husband being the creative, sweet, acts of service, and determined father he is, switched jobs, to a permanent work from home job. This fortuitous opportunity granted us the work-life balance we would need to be present parents to our children - our shared value. We wanted to be emotionally present for our children, and deeply value family.

When I had my daughter in 2021, we had just moved into our newly renovated condo, and I had no idea what to expect from childbirth, but suffice to say I was overwhelmed and scared. As a girl with ADHD, I had always lived a more spontaneous, less structured lifestyle, rife with late nights, novelty, and pushing past bedtimes. Organization and time mangement are and have always been a mountain I continuously climb and a work in progress. I realized with a child that now I not only had to change myself and my life structure, but also had to provide structure for another human, and also had to run a household. During this period of time, my husband was the most supportive and loving person to me and my daughter. He and my bonus baby also benefitted from being home for her summer visitation. He worked in the garage, and he would cook her lunch and spend time with her between emails.

We had had many issues with blended family parenting, and unfortunately had to proceed with the family court process to be able to set a confirmed visitation structure that would not be disrupted; and would be protected by a court mandate. Through the saga, my husband fought for his right to fly all the way to Texas to pick up my Bonus child (whom was 2 when I started my relationship with her by the way), to then fly her all the way back to Southern California, in the same day, even for a week's Holiday visitation.

Having him home with me, actively parenting, also holding up the family structure, being emotionally available, and being physically present really felt like we had a thriving functional system. I was so grateful, and it shone through our relationship satisfaction. We felt congruent, we lived our values. We had both decided that being there for our children and even for our relationship, physically and emotionally was our top priority, and our synchronization and mutual support of each other gave our lives so much fullness and meaning.

Just as we embarked on the toddler years, we moved to a more spacious house, and also a more expensive house. This move would provide family amenities and highly rated public education for my daughter. We would also be surrounded with families and other children that we thought we would be able to find community with.

This is where it starts to get rocky. In shifting homes, my husband sought new job opportunities that were listed as remote, within his scope of work. He quickly found a job that was very interested and responsive to his resume and interviews. The job description read "remote" on the application.

My husband took the job in Construction and Proposals. A company with a more traditional basis in toxic masculinity, which I had yet to learn. He signed on under the notion that he would be remote, as his entire team is located in Seattle, yet we live in Orange County CA. A few days into the job, he was made aware of the fine print and subsequent caveat, no - it was NOT remote, it was HYBRID, and in order to ACHIEVE hybrid status, he had to prove himself worthy over a period of 6 months to a year.

To me this was a devastating blow, as we were just entering the terrible 2's...

However, his boss was sympathetic and let him utilize hybrid. I was notified about this huge change of having him home less 3 days a week than had been the norm. I was unhappy with the arrangement, as we had no additional support nor childcare. Our whole family structure had now been leveled, all of my daughter's routines now had instability, all of our morning rituals and routines, wiped out, the support I had in domestic labor, 75% unavailable now.

Not having my husband home to maintain our family structure that we built and valued, broke down my feeling of safety, and increased my workload in terms of domestic labor, childcare expectations, and I felt completely defaulted and hoodwinked. As we processed in couples therapy, I slowly accepted what I could get. 2 days of him at home. It was a struggle and I was begging him to ask to work from home officially or find another job. I was burnt out, and our roles in the household starting shifting towards me feeling resentful and oppressed in terms of furthering my career that I had scrapped and fought so hard for. (Especially as a woman with ADHD).

Flash forward to summer 2024, my daughter is now almost 3 and my bonus pre-teen is in town for 5 weeks - my husband requested to work from home during this time, and was approved by his boss. However his HR team set a random and unexpected meeting on his calendar on the second to last day my bonus baby had in Socal with us. In the meeting, they entrapped him into a mandatory RTO (return to work) by telling him that his computer wasn't active during some of the time he had been working from home.

Working from home, he had been parenting and tag teaming with me, also working from home, which allowed him to read hundreds of pages of documents at times in the day that maybe weren't 8-5, as is the nuanced standard of work from home life. Instead, he would work hours at night, through his lunch breaks, he would also now travel for this job, working straight through 12 hour days, when multiple projects were on deck.

He is an over-worker and has put tons of energy and personal investment into proving himself worthy and productive in this job. He liked it, he was good at it, and he gave all his effort because he felt valued at the time. He had actually just won this particular company a record breaking billion+ dollar contract, and had received lots of positivity and for his efforts. His boss complimented his work, as did the higher-ups of the company.

However, behind the scenes, the elders of the company had been purchasing new office space and had had no rules set in stone in regards to WFH (work from home). Meaning, through their many various locations in other states, many were still working from home. To shield their investment into a new office building, the company, as so many more corporations are now following suite, started cracking down with RTO's.

HR literally entrapped and gaslit him by threatening his job security if he didn't return to work now 5 days a week, in person, based on his computer use while he was working from home. All his work, and personal and familial sacrifice for this job and to prove himself, was for naught. The rigid RTO extended to the rest of the company, 5 days a week. He now sits at a desk under flourescent lighting daily, in an open office while he Zooms with his teammates in a different state. It shocked us both and completely derailed the barely survivable conditions we found ourselves in familialy, in terms of lacking external support, time with our kids, time for ourselves and our relationship, and being able to feel positive in taking care of our home.

In living this personal nightmare I can share the results. We now have a huge lack of family time. Both our careers are taking hits from the lack of privilege of balance due to his company's insistence on taking away his precious presence from the home. He wastes the precious time sitting in traffic that he had been using to prepare dinner, or to take a walk outside between emails, or to read a book to our daughter during lunch time. They've taken his time, his presence, and his ability to have any work-life balance. We are passing ships in the night and I am still traumatized from losing the structure I relied on for what little we had of balance in an already fast paced high pressure society. My daughter now does not have the privilege of playing with both parents after school. We used to pick her up together, play with her afterwards together, and eat dinner together. Now we are both so exhausted from having to live outside of our shared values system, based in the demands of this external company's and exploitative expectations.

My husband feels trapped between two worlds. He doesn't feel appreciated at work, and doesn't feel like he can do enough in the home. For my husband to fly to Dallas to pick up o, and fly back within the same day, he now has less flexibility, if any, to do so. Even the valuable time with his eldest he fought so hard for, is now limited by this RTO toxic corporate culture. Both of us are working and parenting overtime with no break in site to claw at giving our children presence, love, and emotional availability and secure attachment. With no rest in site, we are burning out at a record pace. In a way I am lucky, my ADHD comes with hyperactive internalized energy, so I have that to draw from, but only so much.

This was supposed to be my time to expand my career that I nourished and protected through motherhood, and now because of some out of touch toxic corporate culture, capitalizing on their corporate investments, and don't prioritize mental health, women's health, men's health, and family life balance, I am "She-faulted" devalued, unseen, oppressed, unheard, and angry. My husband is stuck in the "man box," and my daughter now has one parent at a time, less play and connection with us, and parents that are chronically exhausted. I could say more about the massive and devastating impact that the RTO has had on my little family, and our marriage, but I want to now shift into mental health and the broader societal impact of these rising RTO's.

When you're not living within your values you have internal war. This breaks down your systems, your mental health, and your bodily health. In Bessel Van Der Kolk's research, he describes how the body keeps the score. This means trauma and chronic stress is stored in the body, and has a huge impact on physical health. In the 2024 Innovations in Psychotherapy Conference I attended, I quote him as saying, "if you're constantly shued away than you start to feel very bad about yourself." In context, he said it while showing a video of a child craving some time and presence from his parent that was preoccupied.

**Work-life balance, American families, mental health, parental pressure**

The lack of work-life balance in America, and the rise of RTO's has dire consequences. It’s causing attachment wounds in children and contributing to a spike in mental health issues. Kids are growing up in environments where parental presence is a rarity. Instead of quality time, they experience a hurried exchange of words between parents rushing off to work. This imbalance creates an emotional void, leading to attachment issues that can affect their future relationships and their entire lives. To the bone, it affects how they feel, and what they believe about themselves. For example, when children see their parents stressed or prioritizing work over them, they start to internalize and blame themselves. When a child's foundation is based in the belief that they are not enough to be loved, seen, heard, and understood or celebrated, they can take belief with them for the rest of their lives, which as we have seen, plays out into future relationships, sabotaging themselves and fostering the inability to securely attach. This is where you get avoidant attachment, fearful avoidant attachment, anxious attachment, and even disorganized attachment. These kids are also at risk for developing mental illness, addiction, depression, anxiety, and through that, auto-immune diseases. Their overall level of functioning is compromised.

Note: if you're looking for proof, look up "ACE SCORES" you'll find research consistent with how insecure attachment correlates with mental and physical disease.

**Millennials' Financial Struggle**

Pivoting back, millennials are caught in the crossfire, having experienced 9/11, multiple recessions, a housing crisis, a pandemic, and way more systematic trauma. For people of color, women, veterans, and impoverished people, this has hit especially hard. The dream of homeownership seems increasingly out of reach for many who've bought into the system and the American Dream, that is now unattainable. We’ve worked through school, college, and grad school, yet financial stability remains elusive. For many, the only way to afford a vacation is by accruing debt, perpetuating a cycle of stress and financial insecurity.

The constant financial strain leaves little room for self-care or taking breaks. The pressure to maintain a semblance of stability is palpable, and when life throws a curveball—like a sick child—there’s no plan B. It falls upon the parent with the more "flexible" job to take time off, often leading to marital resentment and ethical dilemmas. This imbalance is not just a personal issue; it’s a systemic problem.

**The Corporate Squeeze**

Toxic corporate culture is squeezing the life out of family time. For visual effect, imagine half of a lemon being pressed and squeezed for its juice until there is nothing left but a dry rind. The rind is then discarded. This is not unlike the millennial experience in America. For many, like my husband and me, the corporate grind has obliterated our ability to tag-team parent, enjoy family dinners, or spend quality time during the week. The relentless demands of the workplace have created a hamster wheel of stress and dissatisfaction, resulting in high turnover rates and widespread depression.

To iterate the importance of family time. I'll express a widely accepted colloquialism in the mental health community, that all of my research and studies over time proves true. "The Opposite of Addiction is Connection." Think about this phrase for a second. Think of the implications and expand it outwards into society. Addiction isn't only limited to substances. It is also relevant to relationships, behaviors, and how you relate to the world. With lack of connection from caregivers at important developmental ages, children develop needs to survive vs ability to thrive. It is secure attachment via parents or caregivers that needs to be adapted consistently due to ever-changing developmental needs. Attachment needs to be actively maintained to keep a child feeling safe enough to explore their universe and world around them. It is absolutely crucial to install secure attachment in children at developmental ages so that they can develop healthily and not have to be disrupted or arrested in development by being at the mercy of the trauma of misattunement or unmet attachment needs. The absence of parental presence during formative years can lead to a host of psychological issues. Without a stable foundation, children struggle to form healthy relationships and develop a secure sense of self. The societal expectation to prioritize work over family and even the self is detrimental, not just to parents, but to the next generation.

** Attachment Theory and Gen Alpha**

Attachment theory provides crucial insights into the repercussions of our work-centric culture on Generation Alpha. Secure attachment is built through consistent mirroring, quality time, and emotional presence from caregivers. When parents are stressed, distracted, and absent, children are left to navigate their emotional landscapes alone.

The corporate message is loud and clear: Family doesn’t come first. This message devalues the time and effort we’ve invested in our careers and families, pushing us into a cycle of burnout. The result? A society where parents are stretched too thin, unable to meet both professional and personal commitments.

To zoom back out, the economic landscape for millennials is bleak. While previous generations may have lived paycheck to paycheck, today’s millennials face a different reality. The lack of time for family and self-care is eroding relationships, contributing to high divorce rates and dissatisfaction.

** The Fair Play Perspective on Sexism**

The Fair Play approach highlights the systemic sexism embedded in workplace and domestic life dynamics. Women are often "she-faulted," bearing the brunt of domestic responsibilities, while balancing professional roles. Women traditionally are expected to be responsible for the emotional and invisible labor of parenting and domestic maintenance. During the Covid - 19 Pandemic, many families developed a new a improved family balance that challenged traditional gender roles and domestic roles. Both parents working from home gave many women and men a sense of newfound family life, and a more balanced way of running the household. Many men were now expected to step into active parenting roles, and were actually loving being around their children more often. (This is not to say that the pandemic didn't also have it's parenting challenges including stepping into teaching roles, and having expectation to continue working and parenting at the same time.) However, years after the pandemic, historical sexism and oppression is experiencing a resurgence, with politics further restricting women's human, fundamental, and bodily rights. Moreover, threatening women's ability to thrive in their careers. The "She-fault" is coming back and having a detrimental affect on women, men, families, marriages, and general society.

The return to office mandates exacerbate these issues, forcing women to make impossible choices between career and family, not to mention self-care. Society's expectation for women to prioritize others' needs over their own fuels mental health crises, leading to increased rates of domestic violence, suicide, and divorce.

**Women and The Martyrdom Trap**

Women are caught in a martyrdom trap, sacrificing their well-being for the sake of family and societal expectations. This self-destructive cycle has far-reaching implications, contributing to chronic physical and mental health issues. The expectation for women to care for others before themselves is a societal relic that must be dismantled. The oppressed are the backbone of society, and with the grinding down of the oppressed, society will crumble.

In my practice, I witness firsthand, the toll this takes on women, chronically. The societal pressure to prioritize economic, domestic labor, and societal demands over self-care leaves women vulnerable to burnout and resentment as well as chronic illness. This expectation extends and contributes directly to crumbling family life, marital issues, parenting breakdown, and behavioral issues and general mental health in children. It's time to challenge these outdated norms and advocate for change. Eve Rodsky and Fair Play speaks to women giving themselves permission to care for themselves, which is why the value of this method can bring on big changes. Fair Play also extends to men's mental health, physical health, sense of self, and self worth.

**The Man Box and Men's Mental Health**

The "man box" perpetuates rigid societal expectations for men, stunting their emotional growth. Men are pressured to conform to traditional roles, limiting their ability to be balanced and build a multi-dimensional and unique sense of self. Societal oppression and expectation to solely act as a provider also limits men from learning how to and being able to feel safe in expressing a full range of emotions. This entrapment is detrimental to men's mental health and family dynamics.

Men are expected to be providers, yet post- Covid they’re increasingly called upon for parenting and domestic duties that they have never been expected to fulfill previously in pop-culture society. The pressure from both home and work creates an unsustainable and impossible situation. Allowing men the freedom to explore their role and value within the home benefits not only them but their families, and especially their children.

** The Importance of Male Presence at Home**

Research by John and Julie Gottman, a (few of my personal heroes) underscores the importance of a male presence in the home. Emotionally available fathers contribute to their children's sense of safety and well-being. Fathers play a crucial role in teaching sons how to relate safely with others and models to daughters what a safe male looks like.

When men are present in the home and with their partners and children, it fulfills critical attachment needs for children. This presence mitigates future relational dysfunction and promotes emotional intelligence. Society must recognize the value of allowing men to be active participants in family life.

Men and women alike feel trapped in a system that doesn’t serve them. The demands of the workplace and home life are increasingly incompatible, leaving little room for personal growth or fulfillment, not to mention manage self care and care for children. The current economic climate demands a reevaluation of our priorities.

** Advocating for Change**

The work-life imbalance is a societal issue that requires urgent attention. We need systemic changes that prioritize family well-being over corporate interests. Fair Play provides a framework for making invisible labor visible, advocating for shared responsibilities, and promoting mental health for both men and women, which is one of the many reasons that I invested in Facilitator Training. Not only did I see the value in this book/ documentary/ method for myself, but I saw a great need for it in regards to my latch-key and millennial couples clients.

As a therapist, I see firsthand the impact of these societal pressures on individuals and families. It’s time for a shift—a collective movement towards a more balanced, inclusive, and compassionate society. Only then can we hope to create a future where families thrive.

**The Surgeon General’s Warning**

Recently, the surgeon general has issued a warning regarding the toxic stress that modern parenting and work-life imbalance can impose on families. This toxic stress is not just a buzzword; it is a real threat to the well-being of both parents and children and society as a whole. The relentless demands and lack of support systems, and connection and community (due to extreme demands of work, and RTO's) can lead to chronic stress conditions, impacting physical health, mental stability, and family cohesion.

Taking this warning seriously is crucial for advocating policy changes and fostering environments where families can flourish without the constant overshadowing of stress. We need actionable steps to address these issues head-on, ensuring that work-life balance is not just an ideal but a reality for all families. We need adequate time for self care, community, fun, family time, and to live. Children, Women, Men, Community, Caregivers, and Family absolutely matter. Living a life congruent with your values directly contributes to life satisfaction and feeling fulfilled. We need to go from surviving to thriving.

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