7 Conversations That Can Save Your Relationship

Utilizing Emotionally Focused Therapy by the late Sue Johnson to save relationships

If you’ve ever wondered why even the most loving relationships can unravel into conflict, silence, or emotional distance, Dr. Sue Johnson’s Hold Me Tight offers one of the most powerful answers: love is not just about communication or compatibility; it’s about emotional safety and connection. Rooted in the science of attachment, this book transforms how we understand love, conflict, and intimacy. Here’s a breakdown of the key insights and a practical worksheet to help you and your partner begin your own healing conversations.

What Is Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)?

EFT is a short-term, structured approach to couples therapy, based on adult attachment science. It focuses on helping partners create secure emotional bonds and shift out of negative cycles that keep them stuck.

The Core Question of Love:

Dr. Johnson reminds us that every relationship conflict is really asking: “Are you there for me?” This echoes the core attachment needs for safety, responsiveness, and closeness.

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THE 7 CONVERSATIONS THAT TRANSFORM RELATIONSHIPS

1. Recognize the Demon Dialogues

Notice the repeating negative cycles: Is one partner always pursuing and the other withdrawing? Label the pattern, not each other.

2. Find the Raw Spots

Learn what emotional wounds are being triggered. Explore your early experiences of rejection or abandonment that might show up in current conflict.

3. Revisit a Rocky Moment

Choose a recent fight and explore what you felt rather than what happened. This helps couples connect through vulnerability.

4. Hold Me Tight

The core healing conversation. Partners express their fears and needs in a safe, emotionally open way.

5. Forgive Injuries

Emotional injuries must be acknowledged and healed, not ignored. Explore what would help restore trust.

6. Bond Through Sex and Touch

Sex is not just physical; it’s an emotional language. Emotional connection deepens physical intimacy.

7. Keep Your Love Alive

Maintain closeness by having regular emotional check-ins and rituals of connection.

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CLIENT WORKSHEET: EFT-Based Self & Partner Reflection

Part 1: Understanding Your Emotional Patterns

1. When conflict arises, I usually:

• a) Withdraw and shut down

• b) Protest or pursue my partner

• c) Try to soothe or avoid it altogether

2. What do I usually fear underneath that pattern? (e.g., being abandoned, not being heard, not being good enough)

3. How did my early caregiving relationships shape these emotional patterns?

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Part 2: Exploring the Cycle

1. What is one repeating pattern my partner and I fall into?

2. How do I feel when that happens? What do I truly need from them in that moment?

3. What might my partner be feeling or needing when they react that way?

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Part 3: The “Hold Me Tight” Conversation

Fill in the blanks with your own words during a calm, connected moment:

• “When we fight, I feel _________.”

• “What I really need is _________.”

• “Sometimes I fear that you think ________ about me.”

• “What I want most is for us to feel ________ together.”

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Closing Tip:

Love is less about always being calm or perfect—and more about learning to reach for one another again and again, even in the mess.

Use this blog and worksheet as a starting point. Whether you’re in therapy or just beginning to work on your connection, remember: emotional safety is the foundation for everything else.

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Created by: Danielle Roxborough, MA LMFT

Trauma-informed Couples Therapist | Orange County, CA

www.loveisaverbcounseling.com