Mental Cheating - When It's Time For Couples Therapy

MENTAL INDISCRETION - when you escape into a fantasy about someone who would fulfill all your needs because they are not being met in your present marriage or partnership.

It is widely understood that havi

ng fantasies is a personal matter that is acceptable to entertain. The issue arises when these fantasies become all-consuming, leading you to withdraw from communicating with your partner or to believe that your partner cannot or will not fulfill those needs, causing you to mentally drift away, beginning with making comparisons.

As a relational therapist, I recommend pursuing couples therapy as soon as possible. John Gottman suggests that you are moving towards a negative sentiment override, which acts like a significant filter emphasizing only the problems or negatives concerning your partner. Emotionally, this results in a buildup of contempt and resentment, eventually leading to an unexpected and inconvenient release.

The release, because it's in reaction to pent up emotions, and pent up unmet needs can look like taking action steps towards cheating. It can look like pulling away from your partner completely, or can look like starting fights with your partner in efforts to get them to push away from you.

I'm not suggesting you shouldn't have your thoughts and fantasies. However, I am saying that unmet needs can take on a life of their own if they are ignored, pushed aside, or deprioritized. These urges can be very powerful, so if you value your relationship, consider addressing them before it comes to a place where you do something you can't take back.

If you’re lost on the internet or lost in a narrative, etc and also feeling physically neglected you can create a self fulfilling prophecy by escaping into your mind. Your beliefs guide your life, they guide your inner self, and they have a preference. A feeling and a story can create a mental dynamic, it comes alive when you go there, but then you come out, and you’re comparing your partner. The mental narrative is usually an idealized version of reality, as the truth of relationships is that conflict will always exist when two people partner up. Everyone is unique, but the commitment to work through it is the glue that keeps partners working together.

When I see couples, seeking therapy for an indiscretion, I usually hear that it started with feelings of emotional neglect, physical neglect, or a perception that a partner is unreachable in terms of resolution. Maybe that partner has been defensive or elusive or placating - but lacked congruent action, or has emotionally or mentally checked out when you’ve approached. Whatever it be, (*besides DV* and abuse) during Negative Sentiment Override, you’re perspective and feelings are now clouded with the perception that your partner means to hurt you, and it’s fueling your bubbling resentment. Many of the things they do, or don't do are now seen through the lens of contempt and negativity. This can break down the "us vs the world" protective element of the relationship, and open the floodgates towards comparison.

All the feelings are valid here, and yes, some of the facts may be true, that you've been neglected or cast aside or deprioritized etc. It's valid to feel angry and hurt and sad about these situations, but there are options other than internalizing those feelings, and creating an alternate reality to disassociate into.

The mental cheating element of dissociation into this narrative comes with a slippery slope of becoming one's reality. For example, if negative sentiment override comes with its own filter for how you see your partner, than the positive things that maybe they are doing not only get ignored and discounted, but also interpreted as the opposite. It's like perceiving threat in neutrality and then going a step further in assuming negative intent. It turns your partner into a "mean" person, vs just a person who may be doing undesirable things.

Maybe though, you miss them, you’re angry and you’ve forgotten the positive times, because all you remember are those *make or break it (Gottman), negative interactions, where they’ve turned against or away from you.* (ask me about it in consult if you want to know more of the science behind this).

It hurts, on top of that, you have needs- physical, intellectual, attunement, understanding, intimate, sexual etc. needs. If you’re a woman, you also have those needs and the physical and mental labor of monthly cycles, or the beginning of the end of the death of fertility, or in it.

Whatever the unmet needs, you're still IN the relationship, and that comes with boundaries. If you cross the boundaries before seeking an alternative option for repair (relational therapy for example) than you run the risk of losing something you've deeply invested in: your relationship.

As an aside, sometimes relationships are toxic and NEED to end. This is a different story than relationships where needs, and bids for connection are missed, and a buildup of negative interactions has occurred.

In relational and couples therapy, a therapist assists in processing the pain experienced by both partners in their dynamic. The therapist helps to interpret the meaning behind these interactions, the REASONS for them, and the associated perspectives. They support each individual in healing and working towards reconciliation, if the couple decides to do so. The therapist makes the unseen aspects visible, enabling them to be addressed. A corrective experience may occur in therapy when one partner shares their feelings, the therapist provides space for these emotions, and the other partner perceives their struggles differently - and empathetically. There are numerous ways for a clinician trained in relational and couples therapy to guide couples towards reconciliation, especially during critical times when one partner perceives negative intentions from the other. Sometimes, and a lot of times, it takes a third party perspective to shine a light on blind spots.

Being human means that relationships can be challenging, as they trigger our deepest attachment wounds, desires, and perceptions of ourselves and our connections with others. Relationships are continually evolving, but if you're dealing with "mental indiscretion" and wish to stay in your relationship, consider seeking therapeutic support. Give it a try!