The Stories We Tell Ourselves: How Narratives Create Chasms in Relationships (And How to Heal Them)

Every couple has a story. But sometimes, the stories we tell ourselves about our partner aren’t love stories at all—they’re silent scripts that create distance, deepen resentment, and turn everyday conflicts into chasms.

Maybe your story sounds like:

• “They don’t care about me.”

• “I’m always the one giving more.”

• “We’re too different to ever make this work.”

Over time, these private narratives become self-fulfilling prophecies. They reinforce negative sentiment, where every eye roll, sigh, or forgotten chore feels like proof of the story you’ve already written in your head.

Dr. John Gottman, one of the most renowned couples researchers, calls this Negative Sentiment Override—when negative assumptions overshadow everything your partner does, even neutral or positive gestures. Once couples fall into this cycle, it can feel like there’s no way out.

But here’s the good news: research shows there is a way back to connection.

Why Narratives Matter in Love

The human brain is wired for story. When you interpret your partner’s actions through the lens of “they don’t care,” you’ll see confirmation everywhere. This is how couples end up living in parallel emotional universes—sharing the same house but feeling worlds apart.

Left unchecked, these stories widen the gap into what I call a couples’ chasm:

• Conflict escalates faster.

• Repair attempts fail.

• Affection dwindles.

• Trust erodes.

And yet, the very thing pulling you apart—your narrative—is also the key to bringing you closer.

Gottman’s Research-Backed Ways to Rewrite the Story

The Gottman Institute has studied thousands of couples over decades and discovered that the healthiest relationships are not conflict-free. Instead, they are skilled at bridging the gap between stories. Here are practical ways to begin:

1. Shift the Lens with Fondness & Admiration

Actively notice small positives: the way they make your coffee, the text they send during the day, the effort they put in for the family. According to Gottman, couples who maintain a culture of appreciation are far more resilient to conflict.

2. Practice the “Dreams Within Conflict” Exercise

Behind every argument is a deeper dream, value, or fear. Instead of battling over surface-level issues, slow down and ask:

• “What does this mean to you?”

• “Why is this so important?”

• “What do you fear would happen if this need wasn’t met?”

This exercise transforms arguments into doorways for deeper intimacy.

3. Repair Attempts in Real Time

Healthy couples aren’t perfect—they’re repair experts. A touch on the arm, a joke to break tension, or saying, “I don’t want to fight, I want to understand you.” These small gestures, when recognized, can reset the story in the moment.

4. Clarifying Questions Stop Miscommunication

So often, conflict spirals because of assumption. One person hears a phrase, filters it through their negative story, and reacts. A simple clarifying question like:

• “Did I hear you correctly?”

• “What I think I heard is ____. Is that what you meant?”

This short-circuits misinterpretation and keeps couples from escalating based on assumptions rather than facts.

5. Turn Toward, Not Away

Everyday bids for connection—asking about your day, sharing a meme, leaning in for affection—are opportunities to choose closeness. Couples who consistently “turn toward” each other are building micro-moments of trust that buffer against negativity.

DBT Tools for Healing the Competition for Space

Another way to bridge the gap comes from Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). DBT reminds us that two truths can be valid at the same time. In couples, this means both partners can be in pain, both can feel unheard, and both can be “right” in their own experience.

The problem arises when pain turns into competition—whose hurt matters more? Who gets to speak first? This cycle only deepens the chasm.

DBT offers a practical shift: turn-taking.

• One person steps into the role of Speaker, sharing their experience without interruption.

• The other takes the role of Listener, practicing validation and reflection rather than defensiveness.

• Then, roles switch.

This structure prevents pain from becoming a tug-of-war and helps couples see each other as allies, not opponents. Over time, this practice rewires the relationship away from “battle for space” and toward shared space for healing.

Beyond Gottman & DBT: Other Research-Based

Interventions

• Cognitive Reframing (CBT & Narrative Therapy): Challenge your automatic thoughts. Instead of “they never listen,” try: “they’re distracted right now, but I know they’ve been supportive before.”

• Fair Play Method: Restructure household and emotional labor so resentment doesn’t fuel the story of imbalance.

• Self-Compassion Practices: When you soften your story about yourself (“I’m not unlovable, I’m just tired and needing connection”), you reduce the projection of harsh narratives onto your partner.

• Attachment Science: Recognize when your story is really about fear of abandonment or engulfment, not the actual fight about the dishes.

Healing the Couples’ Chasm

The cure begins by catching yourself mid-story. Ask:

• “What’s the story I’m telling myself right now?”

• “Is this story helping us connect, or keeping me stuck in blame?”

Bridging the gap requires both partners to share and reshape these stories together. It’s not about perfection—it’s about creating a new narrative rooted in trust, kindness, and curiosity.

Because in the end, the most powerful story your relationship can tell isn’t about disconnection—it’s about resilience, repair, and love that grows stronger through honesty.

If you find yourself replaying negative narratives in your relationship, you’re not alone. Singles, couples, and long-term partners all wrestle with these silent stories. The difference between couples who drift apart and those who thrive isn’t the absence of conflict—it’s the ability to rewrite the story together.

✨ Looking to transform your relationship story? At Love Is a Verb Counseling, we specialize in Gottman Method, DBT skills, Fair Play, and trauma-informed relational therapy to help you and your partner bridge the gap.

👉 Book a consultation today to start mending the story of “me vs. you” into a stronger story of “us.”