Core Cognitive Distortions in Relationships (with Clinical & Relational Applications)

Cognitive Distortions and Their Impact

Cognitive distortions can run our relationships into the ground, can distort beliefs and thinking, ruin relationships, and add to self-sabotage behavior.

A CONTINUATION and explanation of Cognitive Distortions within Relationships.

+Clinical Applications via DSM Diagnoses and Attachment Styles+

Understanding Cognitive Distortions

Cognitive distortions are irrational or exaggerated thought patterns that can negatively influence our beliefs, behaviors, and relationships. These distortions can lead to a skewed perception of reality, causing various emotional and psychological issues.

Effects on Beliefs

• Negative Self-Image: Distorted thinking can lead individuals to develop a poor self-image, believing they are unworthy or incapable.

• Overgeneralization: One negative experience may lead to the belief that all experiences will be similar, fostering a sense of hopelessness.

• Catastrophizing: This involves expecting the worst possible outcome in any situation, which can reinforce irrational fears and anxieties.

Effects on Behaviors

• Avoidance: Individuals may avoid situations that trigger their cognitive distortions, leading to missed opportunities and increased isolation.

• Self-Sabotage: Beliefs rooted in cognitive distortions can lead to behaviors that undermine one’s own success, such as procrastination or giving up easily.

• Impulsivity: Distorted thinking can lead to rash decisions based on fear or anxiety rather than rational thought.

Effects on Relationships

• Miscommunication: Cognitive distortions can lead to misunderstandings and misinterpretations of others’ actions or words.

• Conflict: Overgeneralizing or catastrophizing can escalate conflicts, making resolution difficult.

• Emotional Withdrawal: Individuals may withdraw from relationships due to fear of rejection or failure, leading to loneliness and further distortion of beliefs about relationships.

Cognitive distortions can significantly impact our beliefs, behaviors, and relationships. Recognizing and addressing these thought patterns is crucial for fostering healthier perspectives and improving overall well-being.

This consolidated guide highlights key cognitive distortions through the psychoeducational lens of trauma, ADHD, bipolar disorder, addiction, narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), borderline personality disorder (BPD), and attachment styles. Each distortion includes examples and key context for understanding the adaptive or reactive nature of these patterns.

Core Cognitive Distortions and their Impacts:

Understanding the Lenses:

Trauma-Informed (PTSD/CPTSD): Individuals with a trauma history may exhibit heightened threat sensitivity, hypervigilance, and dysregulated attachment systems. Cognitive distortions often reflect survival adaptations and unmet safety needs.

ADHD-Informed: Emotional dysregulation, rejection sensitivity, and executive dysfunction contribute to distorted thoughts and relational misattunement. Fast processing can lead to assumption-based or black-and-white thinking.

Bipolar-Informed: Mood states (mania, hypomania, depression) can influence perception, emotional intensity, and judgment. Thought patterns can swing from inflated to shame-ridden, depending on phase.

Addiction-Informed: Substance use can reinforce cognitive distortions as part of denial, shame avoidance, or black-and-white relational thinking. Cravings or dysregulation often override logical interpretation.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)-Informed: Cognitive distortions often protect against deep shame or worthlessness. Defensive thinking maintains grandiosity, self-preservation, or entitlement as a protective ego structure.

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)-Informed): Intense fear of abandonment and emotional instability influence perceptions of self and others. Thoughts often reflect rapid shifts in mood, identity, or relational expectations.

Attachment Styles: Early relational templates shape how we seek connection and interpret emotional cues. Distortions often reflect protective responses to unmet childhood needs:

• Secure Attachment: Able to tolerate emotional ambiguity, trust relational repair, and view conflict as part of connection.

• Anxious Preoccupied: Hypervigilant to disconnection, craves reassurance, and tends to over-personalize others’ behaviors.

• Dismissive Avoidant: Emotionally distant or overwhelmed by closeness; interprets others’ needs as threatening or intrusive.

• Fearful Avoidant (Disorganized): Simultaneously craves closeness and fears it; prone to emotional dysregulation and relational confusion.

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1. All-or-Nothing Thinking

• Definition: Viewing situations in extremes (perfect/failure, safe/unsafe).

• General Example: “If we fight, this relationship is doomed.”

• Attachment-Informed:

• Anxious: “If you pull away, I’m abandoned.”

• Avoidant: “If I depend on you, I’ll lose control.”

• Disorganized: Torn between craving closeness and fearing it.

• Secure: Tolerates emotional imperfection without losing trust.

• Psychoeducational Lens: This distortion helps people quickly label safety or threat—especially if their nervous system has learned that relational conflict equals emotional danger.

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2. Emotional Reasoning

• Definition: Believing something is true because of how it feels.

• General Example: “I feel unloved, so you must not care.”

• Trauma-Informed: Emotional flashbacks can trigger outdated beliefs that feel real.

• ADHD: Emotional flooding distorts interpretation.

• BPD: Feelings are overwhelming and internalized rapidly.

• NPD: Feeling slighted confirms others are disrespectful.

• Attachment-Informed:

• Anxious: “I feel anxious—something must be wrong.”

• Avoidant: “This discomfort proves people are unsafe.”

• Disorganized: “I feel danger and need comfort, but I can’t ask.”

• Secure: Recognizes feelings as signals, not truths.

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3. Jumping to Conclusions

• Definition: Assuming without evidence—either mind reading or fortune telling.

• General Example: “You didn’t text back—you’re done with me.”

• ADHD: Fast thinking, poor impulse regulation, and past rejection fuel this.

• Bipolar: In mood episodes, assumptions may become delusions or hyperreactive beliefs.

• Addiction: “They don’t believe in me” becomes a reason to isolate or use.

• Attachment-Informed:

• Anxious: “You’re quiet—you’re losing interest or planning to leave.”

• Avoidant: “You’re upset—you want too much from me.”

• Disorganized: “You didn’t respond, and now I don’t know if I should leave or cling.”

• Secure: Openly seeks clarification before drawing conclusions.

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4. Catastrophizing

• Definition: Expecting the worst-case scenario.

• General Example: “If we argue, we’re over.”

• PTSD/BPD: Trauma memory or dysregulation triggers panic thinking.

• ADHD: Overwhelm turns small problems into disasters.

• Addiction: “If I don’t use, I’ll break down.”

• Attachment-Informed:

• Anxious: “If you’re upset with me, we’re over and I’ll be alone forever.”

• Avoidant: “If I engage emotionally, I’ll be trapped or controlled.”

• Disorganized: “If I get close, you’ll hurt me; if I pull away, I’ll lose you.”

• Secure: Able to see conflict as a challenge, not a catastrophe.

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5. Personalization

• Definition: Believing others’ behavior is your fault.

• General Example: “They’re upset—it must be because of me.”

• Trauma-Informed: Survival adaptations teach hyper-responsibility.

• BPD: Intense need for reassurance fuels self-blame.

• ADHD: Shame-based patterns from lifelong criticism.

• NPD: Blame may be externally projected instead.

• Attachment-Informed:

• Anxious: “If I fix myself, you’ll stay.”

• Avoidant: “You’re being irrational—it can’t be about me.”

• Disorganized: “I feel responsible but don’t know how to fix it.”

• Secure: Can differentiate between shared responsibility and individual feelings.

Core Cognitive Distortions in Relationships, brought to you by Danielle Roxborough MA LMFT of Love Is A Verb Counseling.

@loveisaverbcounseling